The Truth About Control: What Happens When Uncertainty Hits

Control Is Not What You Think It Is

There is a moment right before control takes over.

Most of us miss it.

The email arrives.

The plan changes.

Someone doesn't respond.

The meeting doesn't go the way you expected.

The opportunity you thought was yours suddenly disappears.

For one tiny moment, there is uncertainty.

Then the mind rushes in.

What happened?

What do I need to do?

Should I call?

Should I send another email?

What if I lose this?

What if they misunderstood me?

What if I made a mistake?

What if I can fix it?

And before we know it, we're ten moves ahead of something that hasn't even happened yet.

We call it planning.

We call it problem-solving.

We call it being responsible.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes?

It's control.

And control may be one of the most misunderstood human patterns under pressure.

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Control Doesn't Always Look Controlling

When we hear the word "controlling," we tend to picture someone bossy.

Someone giving orders.

Someone who needs everything done their way.

That's certainly one version of control.

But control can be much quieter.

Control can look like checking your email five times in ten minutes.

It can look like rehearsing a conversation in the shower.

It can look like trying to predict someone's reaction before you've even spoken to them.

It can look like researching something long after you already have enough information.

It can look like explaining yourself one more time because you desperately want the other person to understand.

It can even look like worrying.

The behavior changes.

The question underneath it may be remarkably similar:

"Can I make this uncertain thing feel certain?"

That's where control becomes interesting.

Because now we're no longer talking about whether someone is a "controlling person."

We're observing a human response to pressure.

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Your Mind Thinks It's Helping

This is the part I believe deserves compassion.

Your mind isn't sitting inside your head plotting ways to make your life miserable.

It's trying to help.

Something uncertain happens, and the brain starts searching.

It looks for patterns.

It predicts.

It remembers previous experiences.

It considers possible outcomes.

Those abilities are incredibly useful.

We need them.

But there's a point where useful problem-solving can quietly become an attempt to eliminate uncertainty.

And uncertainty cannot always be eliminated.

That's when the same mind that was trying to help can become exhausting.

You think about the conversation again.

And again.

And again.

Maybe if you analyze it one more time, you'll finally know what the other person meant.

But you can't know.

Not yet.

So you keep thinking.

That's the trap.

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Imagine Driving Through Fog

Picture yourself driving down a dark road.

Suddenly, thick fog rolls in.

You can't see very far ahead.

Your hands tighten around the steering wheel.

That's a normal response.

But here's the question:

Does gripping the steering wheel harder make the fog disappear?

Of course not.

The road hasn't changed.

The visibility hasn't changed.

Only your grip has changed.

Control can work the same way.

We tighten around uncertainty because tightening feels like action.

But sometimes we're just exhausting ourselves while driving through the exact same fog.

The alternative isn't to take your hands off the wheel.

That's important.

Non-attachment doesn't mean apathy.

Surrender doesn't mean irresponsibility.

Flow doesn't mean doing nothing.

You still drive the car.

You still pay attention.

You still make decisions based on what you can see.

You simply stop demanding that the entire road reveal itself before you're willing to continue.

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Michael Singer and Our Resistance to Reality

This is one reason the work of Michael A. Singer has influenced me so deeply.

Singer is the author of books including The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment. Much of his work explores our relationship with our thoughts, our resistance to life's events, and what can happen when we learn to observe rather than automatically obey everything happening inside the mind.

Think about how often something happens and the mind immediately responds:

This shouldn't have happened.

They shouldn't have done that.

This wasn't supposed to go this way.

I need this to change.

But there's a problem.

It already happened.

Reality arrived first.

Our resistance arrived second.

That doesn't mean we approve of everything that happens.

It doesn't mean we don't address problems, establish boundaries, change direction, or take decisive action.

It means we recognize reality before deciding what to do about it.

That little distinction can create enormous space.

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Reality Transurfing and Excess Potential

Reality Transurfing offers another fascinating lens.

Reality Transurfing is a philosophical system introduced by author Vadim Zeland. Among its ideas is the concept of "excess potential."

In simple terms, excess potential can arise when we give something too much importance.

We don't merely want the opportunity.

We need it.

We don't merely care about the relationship.

We need the relationship to unfold a certain way.

We don't merely want someone to understand us.

We need them to understand us.

Now there is tension.

The outcome has become loaded.

And watch what happens next.

We grip.

We monitor.

We analyze.

We push.

We predict.

We try to control.

The more important the outcome becomes, the harder it can be to remain present with what's actually happening.

That is what makes excess potential such an interesting idea to consider alongside control.

Sometimes we aren't trying to control because we care too little.

We're trying to control because we've made something incredibly important.

Read more articles on excess potential right here.

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The Opportunity Becomes Bigger Than Our Awareness

This is where control can become expensive in leadership.

Imagine a founder negotiating an important deal.

The deal begins to feel like everything.

They need this buyer.

They need this investor.

They need this executive to stay.

They need the expansion to work.

They need the board to approve the plan.

Importance rises.

Pressure rises.

And perception can narrow.

Now information that contradicts the desired outcome may be ignored.

Questions can feel threatening.

Disagreement can feel like disloyalty.

Waiting can feel unbearable.

The leader may believe they are becoming more focused.

But they may actually be losing bandwidth.

That's why emotional regulation matters in high-stakes decisions.

The goal isn't to care less.

It's to remain capable of seeing clearly while caring deeply.

That's very different.

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Control Can Steal Capacity

Think about how much mental bandwidth control requires.

You have to track what happened.

Predict what might happen.

Manage what other people might think.

Prepare for possible problems.

Rehearse conversations.

Monitor reactions.

Recalculate.

Check again.

And again.

And again.

That's a lot of processing.

Now imagine freeing even a small portion of that capacity.

Suddenly, you can notice something you couldn't see before.

A different opportunity.

A missing piece of information.

A better question.

Someone else's perspective.

Or perhaps the realization that nothing needs to happen yet.

This is where I believe flow becomes relevant.

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Flow Doesn't Require Certainty

We sometimes imagine flow as a magical state where everything works.

I don't see it that way.

Flow doesn't require perfect conditions.

It requires enough presence to respond to the conditions that actually exist.

That's a very different thing.

You aren't five moves into an imaginary future.

You're here.

You aren't fighting yesterday.

You're here.

You aren't desperately trying to make someone else respond the way you want.

You're here.

And from here, you have access to more information.

More capacity.

More creativity.

More choice.

You can still act.

In fact, you may act more effectively.

But you're no longer squeezing the steering wheel hoping your grip will remove the fog.

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Don't Turn "Letting Go" Into Another Control Strategy

There's another trap here.

Once we recognize control, we can immediately start trying to control our control.

"I need to stop doing this."

"I should be more detached."

"I need to surrender."

"I need to get into flow."

Congratulations.

The mind just found another project.

That's why I don't believe observation needs to begin with correction.

Start with noticing.

That's enough.

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Try This Instead

The next time uncertainty appears, pay attention to what happens immediately afterward.

Maybe your chest tightens.

Maybe your jaw clenches.

Maybe your thoughts speed up.

Maybe you reach for your phone.

Maybe you start planning.

Maybe you start rehearsing.

Maybe you desperately want an answer.

Don't condemn it.

Don't congratulate it.

Observe it.

Then take one slow breath and ask:

"What is my nervous system trying to protect right now?"

You may discover it's certainty.

Or approval.

Or belonging.

Or your identity.

Or your reputation.

Or protection from disappointment.

You may not know.

That's okay too.

The purpose of the question isn't to produce the perfect answer.

The purpose is to create space.

Because something powerful happens inside that space.

The automatic reaction slows down just enough for you to see it.

Observation creates awareness.

Awareness creates choice.

And choice changes what happens next.

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You Don't Have to Make the Fog Disappear

Maybe that's the biggest lesson control has taught me.

We spend an enormous amount of energy trying to remove fog from roads that were never supposed to be completely visible.

Sometimes you don't know.

Sometimes the answer hasn't arrived.

Sometimes the opportunity hasn't appeared yet.

Sometimes another person hasn't made their decision.

Sometimes life is simply unfinished.

You can tighten your grip.

Or you can notice your hands tightening.

Those are two completely different experiences.

One is automatic.

The other contains awareness.

And awareness gives us something control never can.

Choice.

So the next time uncertainty hits the building, don't immediately ask:

"How do I control this?"

Try asking:

"What am I noticing in myself right now?"

Then breathe.

Observe.

And drive the part of the road you can actually see.

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About the Author

Kathie Owen is a leadership consultant, speaker, and author who studies what happens to human behavior when pressure enters the room.

Her work explores leadership psychology, emotional regulation, pattern recognition, non-attachment, and the hidden behaviors that can influence decisions, relationships, teams, and enterprise durability.

She is the author of Human Patterns Under Pressure and The Truth Bubbles Up and host of The Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.

Through her writing, speaking, and consulting work, Kathie helps leaders move beyond automatic reactions by learning to observe what pressure reveals—because observation creates awareness, awareness creates choice, and choice changes what happens next.

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Read More Articles from Kathie

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Transcript

Pressure just hit the building. Nobody planned for it, nobody expected it, but now it's here. The deal fell through. The phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. Your spouse says, "We need to talk." Your child is two hours late coming home. A client walks away. Your investment drops. An opportunity disappears. Pressure just hit the building. Now, let me ask you a question. What does your nervous system do next? Does it get quiet, or does your mind immediately go to work? What do I do? How do I fix this? Who do I call? What if this doesn't work? What if I lose this opportunity? How do I make this happen? Here's what I've been observing. Our minds think they're helping. They think they're being efficient. They think they're solving a problem. But many times they're doing something much deeper. They're trying to eliminate uncertainty, and one of the most common ways we do that is through control. Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast. My name is Kathie Owen. I'm a leadership consultant, author, speaker, and lifelong student of psychology and human behavior. For more than 20 years, I've been fascinated by one question: What do human beings do when pressure hits the room? Because pressure has a way of revealing things we never notice when life feels easy. Not because we're broken, not because we're weak, because pressure reveals patterns, and today I wanna talk about one of the most common patterns I observe, control. Before we go any further, I wanna be really clear about something. This episode is not about controlling people. It's about something much more subtle. It's about moments when uncertainty enters our lives, and our nervous systems quietly begin searching for certainty. Think about that for just a moment. How many times have you caught yourself replaying a conversation, refreshing your email, checking your phone again just in case? Trying to predict what someone else is gonna say, rehearsing tomorrow's meeting, planning every possible outcome. Most of us don't call that control. We call it thinking. But what if it isn't? What if your nervous system is simply trying to make uncertainty disappear? I want you to picture driving through dense fog. You can't see very far ahead. What's the first thing most people do? They grip the steering wheel tighter. We've all done it. Now, here's the interesting question: Does squeezing the steering wheel make the fog disappear? Of course not. It simply feels like we're doing something. That's what control often looks like. It gives us the feeling of certainty without actually creating certainty. One of the people who has deeply influenced my thinking is Michael Singer. He is the author of The Untethered Soul and the Surrender Experiment. His work centers on a simple but profound idea. Much of our suffering doesn't come from life itself. It comes from resisting life. Reality has already happened, but our minds continue arguing with it. "This shouldn't be happening." There's that word, should. "This is not fair. I've gotta fix this. I've gotta make this work." The resistance often becomes heavier than the event itself. When I first started reading his work, something clicked for me. I realized that many of the moments I thought I was problem-solving, I was actually resisting uncertainty. Then I discovered Reality Transurfing many years ago. It's a series of books by Russian author Vadim Zeland. Reality Transurfing introduces a fascinating concept called excess potential. Excess potential is created when we give one outcome so much importance that it throws us out of balance. The opportunity becomes more important than our peace. The relationship becomes more important than our presence. The answer becomes more important than our awareness. The more attached we become, the tighter we grip. The tighter we grip, the less clearly we can see. When I first learned about excess potential, I immediately recognized it in myself, not because I was trying to control people, because I was trying to control outcomes, and there is a difference. And here's what I've been observing lately. The moment I catch myself trying to control something, I don't ask, "How do I stop controlling?" Instead, I ask, "What is my nervous system trying to protect right now?" That one question changes everything because now I'm observing instead of reacting. Maybe my nervous system is trying to protect certainty. Maybe it's trying to protect approval. Maybe it's trying to protect my identity. Maybe it's trying to protect me from disappointment. I don't know. And honestly, I don't have to know immediately. I simply observe. That observation creates awareness, and awareness creates choice. I've also noticed something else. Flow doesn't happen because life becomes predictable. Flow happens when we stop fighting reality long enough to see it clearly. When we loosen our grip, our vision widens. We begin noticing possibilities that weren't visible when we were attached to only one outcome. That does not mean we stop taking action. It means our actions come from clarity instead of fear, from presence instead of panic, from observation instead of reaction. So here's something I'd love for you to try this week. The next time pressure enters your life, pause. Take one slow, deep breath, then simply ask yourself, "What is my nervous system trying to protect right now?" Not, what do I do? Not, how do I fix this? Just observe. Notice what your mind is reaching for. Notice where your body tightens. Notice your thoughts without judging them, because observation creates awareness, and awareness creates what? It creates choice, and choice is where freedom begins. If today's episode resonated with you, I've written a companion blog post that goes much deeper into this idea. It includes additional examples, reflection questions, and bonus resources if you'd like to continue exploring this pattern. You'll find a link to that in the show notes and description below, and if you're watching on YouTube, I'll pin it in the very first comment. All right. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. Until next time, remember this: pressure will always enter the building. The question isn't whether pressure will show up. The question is, what will your nervous system do next? And once you can observe that, everything begins to change.