55. Proven Steps to Help You Stop Thinking About the Past
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How many times have you thought to yourself
“I wish I would stop thinking about that?” Or “Why am I obsessing over that past experience?” Or “This thinking is really getting me all worked up, how can I stop?”
Well, today’s article is all about this very thing. And know, and no, it’s not your fault. We ALL do this and I am going to tell you exactly why and what you can do about it right now!
When it comes to thinking and obsessing about the past I immediately jump to “thought habits.” We are going to address the very best and scientifically proven ways to confront those habits and find success once and for all!
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Where this idea came from?
I have become obsessed with behavior modification as a Certified Fitness Trainer and Life Coach since 2002. Because if I can help my clients create a habit via behavior modification then and only then can I teach them true fitness strategies that work for them.
The tips I give you today come from books like Innercise, The Power of Habit, Atomic Habits, and The Slight Edge. Yeah, I geek out on books too! 🤓
And when talking about ruminating about the past I definitely could not go without mentioning my all-time favorite author Eckhart Tolle.
His books like the Power of Now and (my all-time very favorite book) A New Earth discuss things like the present moment, letting go of negative feelings with ease, and even letting go of the stories we tell ourselves that are holding us back.
Our brains are automatically programmed to notice the negative before the positive.
This response comes from our caveman days when scary things were really scary and our brains habitually place us into fight or flight as a response to negative emotions. This puts us in a place where we ruminate on negative thoughts, unwanted thoughts, and even intrusive thoughts. It’s actually a safety measure. We needed to be afraid of that “bear in the woods.”
The good news is that it is not your fault that you ruminate on the past. It is only a habit and habits can be changed. Today I am going to give you 10 steps to overcome the "bad" habit of obsessing over the past. A different perspective that you may have not even thought of to shift those emotional reactions to something more powerful, especially during difficult times.
My experience with overthinking about the past.
So what makes me an expert on this you ask? Well in 2004 I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I grew up in a household where I was told I would never amount to anything at a very young age. I married a narcissist who left me for a stripper who then became obsessed with becoming my children's mother. She could have my husband, but my children. Oh, that’s another story!! Talk about a momma “bear in the woods.” I was also bullied out of my children's lives with a custody battle that lasted 14 years.
All of those things could have left me with a complete victim mentality. - rightfully so! But I am here to tell you there is another way!
Life is not fair. Bad things happen. But what does change is your attitude, your thought habits, and how you look at things. William James said,
"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."
I add to that quote - despite what is going on in your world.
No substitution for professional help.
If you are like I was 20 years ago, I highly recommend seeking professional help. Those anxious thoughts will hurt you. And you need a better understanding of the different ways we process bad memories, past thoughts, and worst-case scenario situations.
I had years of evolution. I let go of the past in a healthy way. I spent 6 years in therapy with a wonderful therapist. She saved my life and my mental health condition does not hold me back but empowers me to teach others what I learned from past mistakes.
I am in a good place now! There is nothing that can replace the help of mental health professionals. Mine saved my life. Truly, it was the best thing to come from all of this!
There is a positive way out of this and good times lie ahead!! Today I am going to give you those 10 possible solutions to leave that negative thinking in your past and before long you will be living the happiest time of your life despite the negative aspects that go on around you.
These steps are outlined in my HOT HABIT Checklist that you can download here 🔽🔽🔽
#1 Awareness.
Awareness is key. If you go around with blinders on you will never experience what is truly meant to be a happy place for you.
Negative thinking can contribute to problems such as social anxiety, depression, stress, and low self-esteem. The key to changing your negative thoughts is to understand how you think now (and the problems that result), then use strategies to change these thoughts or make them have less of an effect.
And I am giving you those strategies here.
#2. Changes in identity.
In his book, Atomic Habits James Clear tells us that there are 3 layers of change. One of the most powerful changes you can make in your life is a change in identity.
About 12 years ago I used to tell my story to everyone who would listen. And boy that sob story really got a lot of attention. My ex is very wealthy. He often used his money in our power struggles. And the drama involved in those stories was better than the movie The War of Roses with popcorn with extra butter!🍿
But I learned from Eckhart Tolle that those were just stories I was telling and I was doing more harm than good.
Eckhart says having a story actually strengthens the ego and keeps us stuck. However, we don't have to stay there. He says we can learn to shift our inner narrative, release the ego and align ourselves with the peace of the present moment.
When you shift the narrative, you switch your identity. When changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about yourself and others you actually let go of these past experiences and repetitive thoughts with ease.
Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated with your identity.
But how does one change their identity Kathie? It's easier than you might think and leads me to step #3.
#3 Recipe for sustained success
In his book, Atomic Habits James Clear tells us that changing your beliefs isn’t nearly as hard as you might think. There are two steps.
1. Decide the type of person you want to be.
2. Prove it to yourself with small wins.
Picture future events in your mind. How would the person you want to become handle themselves? Picture yourself in detail. What do you look like? What does it feel like? What is your body language like? How do you talk? How do you feel?
When you practice this on a regular basis it actually becomes true.
I have a "Dream Big" page in my Notion journal. On this page, I insert images of what I want to do. I write about the exact person I want to become. I write a gratitude journal in the future tense. I can tell you this works wonders.
Actually, I am constantly having to update this journal. Why? Because what I wanted has come to be. I have to dream bigger. Hence, this is why I call it a "Dream Big" page. Pun intended.🤣
#4 Changing your processes
This level of change is concerned with changing your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, decluttering your desk for better workflow, and developing a meditation practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level.
While dreaming big I also found that I needed to change my "processes" to become the person I wanted to be. I needed new routines, workflows, and practices. The thing is you only need to be 1% today than yesterday. A Slight Edge principle that really works.
You want to identify the processes you need to perform to end that thought cycle of obsessing over the past or that “bear in the woods.”
#5. Changing your outcomes
This level is concerned with changing your results: losing weight, publishing a book, winning a championship.
Most of the goals you set are associated with this level of change. A lot of us stay stuck in this place for a long time. Why? Because we know what we want. But we have a hard time finding out how to get there!
Most of us are really good at knowing what outcome we want. I mean, you found this article right? And I am proud of you - you’ve read this far!
You want to stop obsessing over the past. The key difference is applying all 10 steps so you can find success! We have 4 more to go!
#6. Create friction when it comes to bad habits.
We know the negative impacts that come from overthinking our past. It really is not anything we can change and it is actually an irrational thought. And those are also unhelpful thoughts. So how can we create friction when it comes to thinking about those past hurts?
There is a saying that goes like this,
"It is easier to avoid temptation than resist it."
Ask yourself, "How can I avoid thinking about those past hurts?" And I do not mean avoidance like jumping on TikTok and scrolling endlessly to avoid thinking altogether. That may work for a little while but it is not healthy.
What happens when you practice an unhealthy habit is your brain releases dopamine and other hormones that make you feel better - for a little bit. So how can we release those good feeling hormones in a healthy way?
Find a hobby.
And I recommend focusing on these 5 types of hobbies:
A hobby that makes you healthy and in shape. (Mine: fitness)
A hobby that makes you money. (Mine: fitness)
A hobby that helps your creativity. (Mine: photography and writing)
A hobby that builds knowledge. (Mine: reading and listening to podcasts)
A hobby that grows your mindset. (Mine: meditation and all of the above)
Don't know where to start? Your first small step is to pick one and go from there! I only listed mine to give you some inspiration. 😉
Pro-tip: Find a hobby that builds the identity you seek. 💜💜💜
#7 Set clear goals
We've all experienced that awkward moment where we are asked "What are your goals?" Yikes! I have none! Not even one realistic goal.
When we have no real goals we lack direction and focus, our productivity is shot, and so is our motivation. What's the solution? Set clear goals.
Setting goals helps trigger new behaviors, helps guide your focus, and helps you sustain that momentum in life. Goals also help align your focus and promote a sense of self-mastery. In the end, you can't manage what you don't measure and you can't improve upon something that you don't properly manage.
#8. Find harmony between challenge and skill.
The key word here is harmony. The challenge will arise for all of us. But change your perspective on the challenge. Look at the challenge as a contribution to your success.
We are all met with challenges in real life. It is part of being a human being. As I started this article life is not fair. But when you change your perspective on it things change.
I hit challenges all the time. Today my email service provider went completely down on me and the team that manages it is at a convention. 😯 I had planned on working on my email automation all day today. It is quite a challenging task and I had the time to work on it. But it is completely down. In fact, the email that I had scheduled to go out today was totally lost!
Instead of feeling sorry for myself and fuming over something that will probably be easily fixed in a few hours, I moved to another challenge in my business and that is writing this article.
The way I look at things is different from others. I find harmony in all situations. and I did not let that disturb my peace. I see the email breakdown as a contribution to my success and working to my advantage.
We don't know what's really at work behind the scenes. I call it God but you can call it what you like, The Universe, Infinite Intelligence, Jesus. I look at the world as always taking care of me, even when "bad" things happen.
When I do this I find flow in everything I do. I make a conscious effort to do this too! I take responsibility for my own actions. Instead of dwelling on past traumas or traumatic events in general, I take responsibility for what's going on in my world and find harmony between challenge and skill.
It's easy really! And actually a whole lot easier than blaming my email service provider for falling short today. It's not their fault, but really something that's working to my advantage.
Here's a pro tip: Start a gratitude journal. Use your imagination. All "problems" and "bad things" that you see happening in your world find a way to be grateful.
An example of that could be, "Thank you for that flat tire today😥. That meant that I missed out on that horrible accident I saw on TV. I barely missed that." Those highlights are actually imagination at work. 😉 Dream Big my friend!
#9. Expect failures.
It's not IF you are going to fail but WHEN. Failure is a part of life. Expect it. Plan for it. You will make mistakes. You are human.
They are part of the journey to success. Everyone faces setbacks - it's how you look at them that makes all the difference in the world.
Plan for failure. When you plan for failure you know that's just part of the journey on the way to the destination. And you are just one step closer to where you want to be.
And guess what? The destination is always changing. How will you face that fact when you get there?
Failing in life helps to build resilience. The more we fail, the more resilient we become. In order to achieve great success, we must know resilience.
Pro tip: A great book on this is The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holliday (I told you I was a book geek!)
#10 Embody the new way of thinking.
When you actually embody the new identity you are trying to get to you Get in the Zone also known as flow. Much like a professional athlete who embodies the sport he or she is playing.
You actually become autotelic. What does that mean? An autotelic personality means:
Your goals are intrinsic.
Your work is immersive.
Your attention is unwavering.
And your work is inherently enjoyable.
And let me add you quit dwelling on the past and enjoy the present moment.
Isn't that the answer you were looking for?
Thank you for spending part of your day with me. Now go be a blessing in someone’s life!
Be sure to sign up for our email list and get your download of the HOT Habit Checklist! Hope to see you there!
Written by: -Kathie Owen, Certified Fitness Trainer and Life Coach since 2002.
