How to Emotionally Regulate (For Real)

You’re Not Stressed. You’re Dysregulated.

It’s 3 a.m.

You wake up.

Your heart is pounding.

You think about one email.

Then another.

Then the deal.

Then the board.

Then your health.

Then your marriage.

Then your reputation.

In less than 60 seconds, your life is collapsing.

Nothing has happened.

But your body thinks it has.

That’s not stress.

That’s emotional dysregulation.

And if you’ve ever asked, “How do I emotionally regulate?” — this is your answer.

Not the soft version.

The real one.

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First: Emotional Regulation Is Not What You Think

It is not staying calm.

It is not being quiet.

It is not suppressing your feelings.

It is not pretending everything is fine.

It is not controlling everyone around you so you feel safe.

Emotional regulation is this:

The ability to feel fully without becoming the feeling.

Read that again.

You can feel anger without becoming anger.

You can feel fear without becoming panic.

You can feel pressure without collapsing into urgency.

That’s regulation.

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The 90-Second Truth Most People Ignore

Neuroscience shows us something simple.

When emotion hits the body, the chemical surge lasts about 90 seconds.

Ninety seconds.

That’s it.

After that, what keeps it alive is the story.

The brain loves a story.

“He disrespected me.”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“I’m in a hurry.”

“They’re incompetent.”

“This deal is falling apart.”

The story is gasoline.

The emotion is the spark.

Most people blame the spark.

But they keep pouring gasoline.

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How to Emotionally Regulate (Step by Step)

Let’s make this simple.

Step 1: Notice the Body

Not the story.

The body.

Tight chest.

Heat in your face.

Clenched jaw.

Racing heart.

If you can notice it, you’re already moving toward regulation.

Step 2: Let the Wave Move

Don’t fix it.

Don’t solve it.

Don’t send the email.

Don’t make the call.

Let the sensation move.

Energy in motion.

About 90 seconds.

That’s it.

Most people fail here because they panic about the feeling.

They try to escape it.

Regulation requires getting comfortable being uncomfortable.

Step 3: Interrupt the Story

Now ask:

What story am I telling?

Is this fact?

Or is this fear?

What else could be true?

This is where most leaders struggle.

Because the story feels real.

But it’s interpretation.

And interpretation under pressure is rarely generous.

Step 4: Become the Observer

This is the entire skill.

Zoom out.

See the whole highway.

Not just your car.

See the entire negotiation.

Not just your ego.

See the system.

Not just the threat.

When you become the observer, your nervous system widens.

And when it widens, options appear.

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Practice in Traffic

If you want to get good at this, don’t wait for a crisis.

Practice in traffic.

Traffic is your training ground.

You’re in a hurry.

Someone cuts you off.

Your brain says:

• “Idiot.”

• “I don’t have time for this.”

• “Why is everyone incompetent?”

That’s not a driving problem.

That’s a regulation problem.

Urgency reveals entitlement fast.

“I matter more than everyone else on this road.”

Watch that.

Don’t judge it.

Observe it.

When you zoom out and see the whole highway, you regulate automatically.

And if you can regulate in traffic, you can regulate in a boardroom.

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You Cannot Argue With Dysregulation

Here’s a truth most people don’t want to hear.

An argument is just two dysregulated nervous systems trying to win.

When someone is in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, they cannot hear you.

They cannot access logic.

They cannot access perspective.

They cannot access curiosity.

They are inside the story.

If you try to correct them in that moment, you escalate it.

Two activated nervous systems do not create clarity.

They create combustion.

This is why some conversations go nowhere.

It’s not a communication issue.

It’s a regulation issue.

And here’s the hard part:

You cannot regulate someone who does not want to regulate.

You can model it.

You can embody it.

You can hold it.

But you cannot force it.

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What This Looks Like in the Workplace

Now let’s take this into a boardroom.

An acquisition is under pressure.

Deadlines shift.

Emails get shorter.

Tone tightens.

One executive over-controls.

Another shuts down.

Another over-functions.

Another panics quietly.

Nobody calls it dysregulation.

They call it “intensity.”

But intensity without regulation becomes chaos.

Decisions get rushed.

Entitlement rises.

Listening disappears.

And value leaks quietly.

Most leaders try to solve this by pushing harder.

More meetings.

More oversight.

More control.

But control is often just fear wearing a suit.

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Emotional Regulation Is Not Always Welcome

Here’s something even sharper.

In some cultures, regulation feels threatening.

If a system runs on urgency, a calm person looks slow.

If a culture runs on reactivity, an observer looks disruptive.

If a leader runs on control, perspective feels like rebellion.

A regulated presence exposes chaos.

And not every system wants to see itself clearly.

That’s uncomfortable.

But it’s true.

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The Observer Is the Superpower

This is where my work lives.

I don’t walk into companies and teach breathing exercises.

I observe.

• I watch where entitlement spikes.

• I watch where urgency narrows thinking.

• I watch where fear is disguised as decisiveness.

And when someone in the room becomes the observer, everything shifts.

The temperature lowers.

The story slows.

Possibilities widen.

Regulation scales.

From a person.

To a team.

To a system.

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Here’s the Part Nobody Likes

This takes practice.

You will get hooked.

You will react.

You will forget.

You will send the email you shouldn’t have sent.

That’s part of it.

Emotional regulation is not perfection.

It is repetition.

Start small.

Start in traffic.

Start at 3 a.m.

Start before you speak in the meeting.

Notice.

Allow.

Interrupt.

Observe.

Over and over.

That’s how you build the muscle.

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Final Truth

You do not regulate by controlling the outside.

You regulate by expanding the inside.

When you widen your perspective, urgency softens.

When urgency softens, entitlement dissolves.

When entitlement dissolves, leadership sharpens.

And when leadership sharpens, systems stabilize.

That is personal work.

And it is enterprise work.

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If this topic resonates

This is the deeper thread running through my book. Emotional regulation is not just a personal skill. It is the foundation of leadership, clarity, and long-term value under pressure.

In The Human Patterns Under Pressure, I explore how urgency narrows thinking, how entitlement distorts decision-making, and how widening perspective changes outcomes — in relationships, in business, and in high-stakes environments.

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About the Author

Kathie Owen is a private consultant and speaker who works with founders, executives, and acquisition leaders to stabilize human systems under pressure. She observes what others miss inside leadership—patterns of urgency, entitlement, emotional reactivity, and hidden fear—and helps organizations widen perspective before those patterns erode culture or enterprise value.

Her work did not begin in boardrooms. It began in corporate wellness more than two decades ago, where she discovered that surface solutions never solved the real problem. The issue was not fitness. It was not productivity. It was not even stress.

It was emotional regulation.

Today, Kathie speaks on stages and works inside companies and mergers and acquisitions environments, where high stakes amplify hidden patterns. Her presence alone often shifts the temperature of a room. Rather than teaching techniques, she observes. And in observing, she exposes what is narrowing decision-making and destabilizing leadership.

Her work continues to evolve as she goes deeper into the human patterns that shape performance, culture, and long-term value.

To learn more about her consulting and speaking engagements, visit her Speaking page.

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