Calm Down, Rhonda (It’s Costing Millions)

“Calm Down, Rhonda”

It was 2:00 a.m.

We were on vacation.

And when I say vacation, I mean the full blended-family experience.

Me and Eddie.

His daughters.

Their husbands.

Grandkids.

Eddie’s ex-wife.

His ex-sister-in-law.

The ex-mother-in-law. Nana.

Adjacent hotel rooms.

We travel together for the kids.

It’s chaotic. It’s loud. It’s beautiful.

And that night, it became a leadership laboratory.

I woke up to a thud.

Then a knock at the door.

I opened it.

“Call 911! My mom fell in the bathtub. She’s unconscious. It’s bad.”

Rhonda.

Panicked.

Voice high.

Energy frantic.

I said, “Calm down, Rhonda.”

She said, “No, it’s bad.”

I walked next door.

Nana had fallen in the bathroom.

She wasn’t unconscious.

But she was on the floor.

And she didn’t look good.

In the living room, another Rhonda had her head in her hands.

“My mom’s going to die.”

Over and over.

Because that Rhonda was panicking, another Rhonda was in the bathroom throwing up.

Stress spreads fast.

Back in our room, the men were lying in bed.

Watching.

Not rushing in.

Not escalating.

Waiting to be called upon.

And here’s what matters:

They weren’t lazy.

They weren’t careless.

They simply knew they weren’t needed yet.

In the other room, one Rhonda was on the phone with 911.

Calm.

Clear.

Grounded.

And she said something that always gets a laugh when I tell this story:

“I don’t know why I’m so calm. I guess it’s because I have kids.”

The audience laughs.

But here’s the truth.

Every single person in that story is Rhonda.

Including me.

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The Thesis

Under pressure, every leader defaults into predictable human patterns.

The outcome isn’t determined by which pattern shows up.

It’s determined by who is aware of it.

These responses are human.

They are not moral failures.

They only become destructive when they run the room unconsciously.

Unmanaged humanity is expensive.

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The Five Rhondas Under Pressure

Let me break down what happened in that hotel room.

Because it’s exactly what happens inside companies.

And I do every single one of these.

Sometimes all in the same day.

Sometimes all in five minutes.

Rhonda #1: Control

“Call 911! It’s bad!”

Urgency.

Demand.

Immediate action.

In companies, this looks like:

• Micromanaging leaders

• Founders tightening grip

• Board members demanding instant answers

• Executives escalating instead of stabilizing

I do this.

I hate uncertainty. Who doesn’t?

Sometimes I need resolution now.

That surge in the body feels unbearable.

“If I control it, I’ll survive.”

That’s the nervous system talking.

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Rhonda #2: Catastrophe

“My mom’s going to die.”

Future spiral.

Worst-case projection.

In business, this becomes:

• “We’re going to lose the deal.”

• “This company is finished.”

• “If this happens, I’m irrelevant.”

I do this too.

I’ve imagined being completely alone on the side of the road.

Broken.

Abandoned.

Done.

Catastrophe feels protective.

“If I see it coming, I won’t be blindsided.”

But it spreads fear faster than facts.

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Rhonda #3: Collapse

The Rhonda throwing up in the bathroom.

That’s overload.

That’s the body saying:

“I cannot metabolize this.”

In companies, this looks like:

• Burnout

• Silence

• Leaders who disappear emotionally

• Health issues under sustained stress

I’ve been the one sick in the bathroom.

I’ve been the one who shuts down.

This isn’t weakness.

It’s a nervous system at capacity.

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Rhonda #4: Functional Calm

The Rhonda on the phone with 911.

Clear. Stable. Regulated.

In business, this is:

• The leader who slows the room down

• The advisor who stabilizes chaos

• The executive who doesn’t argue, defend, or over-apologize

I can do this.

Especially in a boardroom.

It’s easier there.

When it’s not my personal identity on the line.

When it’s not my relationship.

When it’s not my heart.

Regulation in business can look polished.

Regulation at home?

It’s messy.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s raw.

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Rhonda #5: The Watcher

The men lying in bed.

Observing.

Waiting.

And this part is important.

They weren’t wrong.

They knew they weren’t needed yet.

But in the workplace, this pattern can turn into something dangerous.

It becomes:

• The executive who lets drama play out

• The CEO who doesn’t intervene

• The leader who avoids discomfort

And when power avoids regulation, the loudest nervous system takes over.

I watched this happen in a workplace where I was the Wellness Director.

The CEO didn’t stabilize the room.

She didn’t step in.

“She did not contain the conflict. She allowed escalation to set the tone.”

Not malicious.

Not evil.

But unregulated.

And I guarantee you that cost millions.

Silence at the top is not neutral.

It shapes culture.

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Here’s the Part That Matters

I do all of them.

Control.

Catastrophe.

Collapse.

Withdrawal.

Calm.

Sometimes in five minutes.

The difference is not that I don’t activate.

I activate hard.

The difference is I sit in it.

I sit in the uncertainty.

I sit in the discomfort.

I let my body surge without outsourcing it.

That is uncomfortable as hell.

Especially at home.

Especially in relationships.

Especially when identity is involved.

In the boardroom, it’s easier.

In personal life, it’s a masterclass.

But this is where leadership capacity is built.

Not by avoiding activation.

By staying with it.

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Why This Is Expensive in Business

When leaders don’t sit in discomfort:

They argue.

They defend.

They apologize excessively.

They tighten control.

They spiral publicly.

They disappear.

Or they let it all play out.

Deals fail.

Teams fracture.

Value erodes.

Not because the math was wrong.

Because the nervous systems were unexamined.

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Calm Down, Rhonda

That phrase isn’t about shaming someone.

It’s about interrupting escalation.

It’s about saying:

“Pause.”

It’s about recognizing the surge before it runs the room.

Because Nana — the business — is on the floor.

And Nana needs regulation.

Not chaos.

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The Real Work

You will be Rhonda.

So will I.

The question is not:

“Which one are you?”

The question is:

“Can you feel it happening?”

And can you sit in it long enough……to choose differently?

That’s leadership.

That’s enterprise durability.

That’s authority.

Not perfection.

Capacity.

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About the Author

Kathie Owen is a private consultant and speaker specializing in human patterns under pressure inside founder-led and private equity–backed companies.

With over 25 years in fitness, wellness, and corporate wellness leadership, she has spent decades studying how the body responds to stress long before she began applying those same principles inside boardrooms. Her work bridges nervous system regulation and enterprise durability—because the same biology that drives burnout also drives board conflict, deal instability, and leadership fracture.

Calm Down, Rhonda is one of her core keynote speeches, delivered in boardrooms, executive retreats, leadership off-sites, and on stage. It is frequently requested because it is disarming, relatable, and deeply human—everyone sees themselves in it. And then they see their company in it.

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🎤 Bring Calm Down, Rhonda to Your Stage

If your leaders are navigating pressure, transition, or internal tension, bring this conversation into the room.

Calm Down, Rhonda is delivered in boardrooms, executive retreats, Toastmasters, and leadership events nationwide.

Book Kathie to speak and shift how your team responds under pressure.

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🔎 Schedule a Human Risk Diagnostic

Pressure reveals patterns. Most companies don’t see them until it’s expensive.

Kathie offers short, high-impact diagnostic engagements to identify hidden human risk before it fractures culture or deal value.

If you’re in transition, growth, or conflict—start here.

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About the Book: Human Patterns Under Pressure

Kathie’s book, Human Patterns Under Pressure, expands this framework into a deeper examination of what happens to leaders, founders, and executive teams when identity, ego, and uncertainty collide.

The book explores how fight, flight, freeze, regulation, and withdrawal quietly shape enterprise value—especially during mergers, acquisitions, succession, and high-stakes growth. She references the Calm Down, Rhonda speech inside the book as a foundational illustration of how pressure reveals predictable patterns.

It is both a leadership mirror and a strategic lens for investors, advisors, and executives who understand that people—not spreadsheets—ultimately determine outcomes.

📘 Go Deeper with Human Patterns Under Pressure

If this framework resonates, the book expands it.

Human Patterns Under Pressure explores how nervous system patterns quietly shape enterprise value—especially in M&A, succession, and high-stakes growth.

Read it. Reflect on it. See your organization clearly.

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Read More Articles from Kathie

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Transcript

At 2:00 AM a grown woman was banging on my hotel room door screaming. Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1. It's bad. Another woman was sobbing. My mom's gonna die. My mom's gonna die. Someone else was throwing up in the bathroom. And two men were lying in bed watching it all unfold. And Nana, the business was on the floor. That night taught me more about leadership under pressure than most boardrooms ever have.

Hi, if you're new here, my name is Kathie Owen. I work with founder led and private equity backed companies during high stakes transitions, mergers, acquisitions, succession, and growth inflection points. I study what happens to leaders when pressure hits. I wrote a book called Human Patterns Under Pressure about this exact phenomena. How nervous systems quietly determine enterprise value.

And what happened at 2:00 AM in that hotel room. It's the clearest illustration I've ever seen. I call it "Calm Down Rhonda."

My longtime boyfriend and I were traveling as we do every summer as a big blended family. And that big blended family consisted of Eddie's kids and his grandkids and his ex-wife. Yep. It gets better. And his ex-sister-in-law and his ex mother-in-law, Nana. And we do this every summer. Yes. This time we had adjacent hotel rooms.

And at 2:00 AM Nana fell in the bathroom. Rhonda knocks on my door panicked. Call 9 1 1. It's bad. I walked next door. Another Rhonda is spiraling. My mom's gonna die. My mom's gonna die. Another Rhonda is in the bathroom throwing up. The men are lying in bed watching. Waiting to be called upon. And one Rhonda is on the phone with 9-1-1. calm, clear, regulated. And she says the line that always makes people laugh when I speak this speech on stage. "I don't know why I'm so calm. I guess it's because I have kids." And people laugh because she is clearly the most regulated person in the room. Everyone else is escalating or collapsing, and she shrugs as if composure just appeared. But what actually happened isn't accidental. It's capacity. Five nervous systems under pressure. One is stabilizing the room.

Under pressure, every leader defaults into predictable human patterns. Control, catastrophe, collapse, calm, withdrawal. The outcome is not determined by which pattern shows up. It is determined by who is aware of it. These are not moral failures. They only become expensive when they run the room unconsciously.

Now let's talk about each Rhonda, and let's talk about each one in the workplace. How does this apply?

Rhonda, number one, control. This Rhonda has control. Urgency, escalation. Fix it now. In mergers and acquisitions, this is the founder who tightens their grip during diligence. Suddenly, they override their executive team. They demand answers faster than integration can support. They push decisions prematurely because uncertainty feels unbearable.

I do this. I hate uncertainty. Who doesn't? But here's what's actually happening. Control is a nervous system trying to outrun discomfort. If I move fast enough, I won't have to feel this. In a boardroom that looks like strength, but the cost is subtle. Team trust erodes, advisors disengage. Decision quality drops the room tightens. What feels decisive, can actually destabilize the deal environment. Regulation doesn't rush. It contains.

Rhonda, number two, catastrophe. Worst case projection, we're going to lose everything. This is the executive who spirals publicly, the board member who predicts collapse, the founder who says, if this acquisition happens, my identity is gone. I do this too. I've imagined being abandoned alone, completely done. Catastrophe feels protective. If I see the worst coming, I won't be blindsided. But in business, catastrophe spreads faster than data. It infects morale. It infects confidence. It infects negotiations. Deals rarely fall apart from one bad fact. They fall apart from emotional contagion. When a leader catastrophizes in the room, everyone else's nervous system follows. Regulation doesn't deny risk, it contextualizes it.

Rhonda number three, collapse. Remember how I just said everyone else's nervous system follows after the catastrophe? That's the reason why that Rhonda was throwing up in the bathroom. And this shows up in the workplace as burnout, shut down, silence, and even sickness. This is the high performing COO who suddenly goes quiet. The VP who stops responding, the executive who just seems off. I've been the one sick in the bathroom. Collapse is not weakness. It's overload. The nervous system saying, I cannot metabolize this level of stress. Hello, burnout. In companies collapse is expensive because execution slows. Deadline slip, momentum disappears. And no one names it. Instead, we call it disengagement, but it's not disengagement. It's a body at capacity. Regulation here looks like pacing pressure, not glorifying endurance.

Rhonda, number four, functional, calm. This is the mom calling 9 1 1. This is regulated authority. Clear thinking. Inside chaos. This is the leader who lowers the temperature in the room. The advisor who doesn't argue, defend, or over apologize. The board member who slows the conversation down instead of accelerating it.

I can do this really well in a boardroom. It's easier there. Because it's not my relationship, it's not my identity, it's not my heart. Regulation in a business can look polished. At home and in real life it's raw. But this is what actually protects enterprise value. The calm nervous system sets the tone. It does not dominate. It actually stabilizes. And when one nervous system stabilizes, others follow.

Rhonda. Number five, withdraw. In the hotel room, the men were not wrong. They knew they were not needed yet. They were waiting to be called upon. But in companies, this pattern becomes very costly. Very costly. This is the executive who avoids stepping in when tension rises. The CEO, who tells themselves they're staying neutral. The leader who doesn't intervene because conflict feels uncomfortable. I once worked inside a company as the wellness director, where the CEO did not contain the conflict. She actually allowed escalation to set the tone. And that shaped culture. Not because she was malicious, because she avoided regulation. Silence at the top is not neutral. It permits the loudest nervous system to win, and once escalation becomes the norm, it's extremely expensive to unwind.

Now here's the part I care about most. I'm all five Rhondas. Sometimes in one day, sometimes several times in one day, sometimes in just five minutes. The difference is not that I don't activate, I actually activate hard. The difference is I sit in it. I sit in the discomfort. I don't immediately outsource it. That's uncomfortable as hell, especially at home.

In business regulation can look polished. At home, it's raw, it's real, and it's uncomfortable. That's where real leadership capacity is built.

In mergers and acquisitions. Nana is the company, and when Nana is on the floor, the nervous system in the room determines what happens next. Control escalates, catastrophe infects, collapse stalls, withdraw permits. Only regulation stabilizes. Deals don't fail from math alone. They fail from unmanaged humanity.

If this framework resonates, I go much deeper in my book, human Patterns Under Pressure. It expands on how these patterns quietly shape enterprise value during mergers, acquisitions, and founders transitions. You can find the link to that book in the show notes and description below. And if you want to read the expanded version of this story, I've linked a full blog post in the description.

And if you are navigating pressure inside your company board, conflict succession integration tension, I offer short, high impact diagnostic engagements. I'm invitation only and a private consultant. You can learn more at my website. www.kathieowen.com.

I also offer Calm Down Rhonda as a keynote for executive teams and boards and also inside Toastmasters. If you want this conversation inside your organization, there's a speaking link in the show notes and description below as well. Thank you for listening and remember, Calm Down, Rhonda, because unmanaged humanity is expensive.

All right. I trust that you found today's episode helpful, and if you know someone who can benefit from this, please share with them. And until next time, I will see you next time.